empathetic leaders
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Compassion is a core competency of successful entrepreneurs. Motivational expert Jeff Haden explains that true empathy is shown by what remains unspoken.

Empathy is a success factor for managers. Those who can sense and understand the thoughts and feelings of their employees with sensitivity and compassion can support them better. Jeff Haden writes this in his column in the US magazine Inc.

Empathy is good for the company

The author of the bestseller “The Motivation Myth” refers to a study by the American management network Catalyst. The study found that people are more committed to the company, more innovative and less likely to think about quitting if they feel that their superiors understand them.

So yes, empathy is important. But, this is where Haden sees the crucial point: It depends on how someone shows empathy.

Egocentric among friends

According to a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, we assume that other people feel the same way we do when they go through similar situations. The better we know someone, the more we believe this. The researchers came to an astonishing conclusion: people behave more egocentrically towards good friends than towards strangers. The reason for this is obvious. With people we don’t know at all, we act more cautiously and observe the other person closely.

When we talk to a friend, we rely on our own point of view and become careless. We listen less attentively and ask fewer questions.

The Forbidden Sentence

And then it happens. The sentence is spoken: “I know how you feel.” Six words that managers should never say.

Why should you never say this sentence? Your attempt to appear empathetic will fail. On the contrary, you will even appear less empathetic.

It is impossible to know the exact feelings of other people, no matter how well you know each other. And anyone who says “I know how you feel” automatically finds themselves in need of proof. To show where this supposed knowledge comes from, you tell them about your own experience – thus directing the conversation towards yourself. Not at all empathetic.

Jeff Haden therefore demands: Stop claiming that you know how something feels!

It is better to ask

It is better to mirror the perceived feelings. Say: “That sounds like it feels awful.” Or simply: “That is awful.”

Or maybe it’s not even clear how the person you’re talking to feels. Ask: “How did you feel?”

Limits of Empathy

Haden realized why this is so important when he met someone. A man he had just met pointed at someone and said, visibly upset: “This guy wanted to talk about my heart attack.”

“I know how you feel,” replied Haden, who has had a heart attack himself. “I hate it when someone forces me into a discussion about what this means to me. I never think about it.” The man looked at Haden and said, “I think about my heart attack all the time.”

The example shows that it is impossible to put yourself in other people’s shoes completely. Haden writes that it would have been better to ask: “How did the conversation go?” Or: “What did he want to know?”

If you want to show empathy, you should encourage people to share their thoughts and feelings during the conversation, concludes Haden. It’s better to keep your own emotions or experiences to yourself – unless you’re asked about them. 

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