Studies and surveys have shown that empathic leadership not only promotes a more efficient working environment, but also significantly increases employee satisfaction and loyalty. But is there a limit? At what point does too much empathy become too much? Is there a “right” and a “wrong” empathy, and what do you need to consider as a manager in order to lead empathetically without slipping over to the dark side?
Difference: cognitive empathy and emotional empathy
To understand why you may be too empathetic, today we’ll look at two levels of empathy.
1. Cognitive Empathy
You can imagine that cognitive empathy is located almost directly behind your forehead. That’s where you collect information, put it together in terms of connection and causality to create an overall picture. You may know this from crime shows on TV. They always have boards where all the facts are collected so that they can then deduce things and understand the whole situation.
You do that too. This allows you to understand the person’s situation, their feelings, emotions, reactions and actions. At the same time, you maintain an emotional distance, you don’t get drawn into their problem, you don’t try to solve it compulsively and you keep an objective view of the whole thing.
2. Emotional empathy
This is the other form of empathy. You react emotionally to what others experience and tell you. You absorb what the other person says and their feelings unfiltered. You can empathize with their feelings and reactions and try meticulously to find a solution to the other person’s challenges. Depending on your own state of mind, you suffer more or less with the person. In extreme cases, you can no longer distinguish whether it is your employee’s problem or your own. This could also be called the dark side of emotional empathy.
There are people whose emotional empathy is so pronounced that they burn out. Maybe you don’t know it from your own experience, but you have often noticed it in others:
- People who cannot set boundaries. Those who make the world’s problems their own and then drown in them. They suffer with everything and everyone, feel responsible and do everything they can to find solutions to problems that are not theirs.
- There are people who can’t say “no”. No matter what the situation. Even if they have enough to do themselves, they take on tasks from employees if they can’t get on with it and just ask nicely. These are often the people who also take care of everything in their family and are always there for everyone, both professionally and privately.
- People are easy to manipulate. You tug on their heartstrings, make them feel guilty or smile nicely and they help you. Perfect colleagues who take on the annoying tasks for you.
- People suddenly become “cold” and shut down. This is usually the result of too much emotional stress. These people can no longer bear all the suffering, literally drown in the search for solutions and pull the ripcord at the last minute. They build a high wall and appear cold and unapproachable. Exactly the opposite of what they actually are.
How do you know that you have landed on the dark side?
If you not only see the above points in others, but have now noticed them in yourself, then it’s time to take a closer look. Do you say yes to everything? Do you feel like you’re being taken advantage of? Do you isolate yourself excessively? Then you already have at least one foot on the dark side.
But sometimes it’s not so easy to recognize. Some people simply notice that they are drained and exhausted in the evening, even though their day was actually completely normal. Others feel that something is wrong, but aren’t able to put their finger on it yet.
You can imagine the emotional baggage of others like an orange. As a manager, you deal with different people every day and everyone leaves you with oranges. Some a few more and others a few less. And as empathetic as you are, you pack every orange in the backpack that you carry around with you every day.
By the evening, your backpack is full and has become quite heavy. Day after day goes by like this. Every day, more and more people put oranges in your backpack and at some point, the weight weighs you down so much that you can hardly stand up.
And you don’t even like oranges!
How can you “regulate” your emotional empathy?
If you notice that something is wrong, it’s time to change something!
Even if you don’t like to hear it, it starts with looking at yourself. What kind of baggage do you have? Where do you put the well-being of others above your own? Where do you not allow yourself to say no? What would it take to draw a clear line and leave the oranges alone? How do you talk to yourself and how do you see yourself?
Start observing yourself in everyday life. I promise, it will give you a lot of insights about yourself.
